Am I Disagreeing, or Am I Gaslighting?

In my counseling office, I am experiencing couples who throw the term gaslighting at each other with a frequency never before experienced. The term gaslighting has deep psychological meaning when used properly, but when used as a defense to a disagreement, it becomes a form of verbal stonewalling. When the gaslight defense is used improperly, it stops the exploration of ideas. It blocks the sharing of an opinion that conflicts with another person's point of view. When a disagreement can only be gaslighting, it literally stops the romantic feelings that are a direct result of growing together as a couple as differing viewpoints are heard, understood, and resolved within a relationship.

In our current society, we are being trained to ignore disagreements. On social media platforms, the accusation “You’re gaslighting me!” is being applied to any disagreement or misunderstanding. It’s like a race to see who can claim the “gaslight defense” as proof that their argument is the most correct. This improper use of the term gaslighting dilutes its actual meaning, making it difficult to distinguish actual gaslighting from everyday conflict that needs to be negotiated. 

Gaslighting is:

• Denial of facts. The gaslighter persistently denies or contradicts what another person knows to be true, creating confusion and self-doubt. However, keep in mind that facts are objective realities and opinions are our beliefs about the realities.

• Distorting reality. The gaslighter intentionally twists events or situations to make the victim feel like they are misremembering or overreacting.

• Minimizing or dismissing feelings. The gaslighter tells the victim that their feelings or reactions are wrong, irrational, or unimportant.

• Lying or misleading. The gaslighter deliberately provides false information or creates doubt, such as saying “I never said that” when they did.

• Shifting blame. The gaslighter makes the victim feel responsible for issues they didn’t cause by assigning intention to their words or actions.

• Using confusion intentionally. The gaslighter constantly changes details of a story or reality to confuse the other person. 

Gaslighting is not:

• Disagreement. Simply disagreeing with someone’s viewpoint or perception of an event is not gaslighting unless it involves persistent denial of clear facts and patterns of undermining the victim’s perception of reality.

• Misunderstanding. People sometimes genuinely misunderstand or misremember things without malicious intent. This is not gaslighting; this is simply a misunderstanding or a miscommunication.

• Forgetfulness. Genuinely forgetting something or having a different memory of an event without the intent to deceive is not gaslighting.

• Criticism or feedback. Offering criticism or feedback, even when harsh, is not gaslighting. To be gaslighting, it must be a deliberate effort to distort facts and not a criticism aimed at furthering understanding. 

Couples can find romance by figuring out solutions to their disagreements on the facts, and they can clear up assumptions they have with honest conversation. For growth in a relationship, it is important to understand what is and what isn’t gaslighting. Gaslighting is not an honest conversation. Couples have to connect around disagreement while getting to know each other on a deeper level. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation, where one person in a relationship tries to make the other person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sense of reality. It is an intentional pattern of behavior meant to control or destabilize a person by undermining their confidence in what they know to be true. It's not an occasional disagreement or moment of forgetfulness but an intentional, manipulative tactic.