ADHD in Marriage: Crazy or Romantic?

Will you go on a hypothetical journey with me? Let’s say you are getting married to your best friend. Your partner is playful, interesting, fun, adventurous, and definitely never boring. In fact, your time spent dating is not only constant but is also a whirlwind of time, attention, and activities. The relationship seems near perfect.

Now, fast forward past the wedding day, the honeymoon, and the move into your shared home. Somewhere amidst all of this, some drastic and disturbing changes begin to show up. You constantly need to remind your spouse to help you and to be more attentive to the decisions and agreements you make together. You start to wonder if your partner is a big liar who put on a show before the marriage and who does not care about or participate in the relationship after the marriage. You begin to nag and accuse, and in turn, your spouse responds with incredibly rude outbursts and a disrespectful tone, often literally arguing like a child that needs to be put in time-out. Your relationship seems to have changed overnight! 

I see many couples that come to marriage counseling because of drastic changes that appeared to occur the minute the marriage ceremony was over. With many of these couples, the problem is not deception; the culprit is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). While having ADHD does not give anyone a free pass to do whatever they wish, it is definitely a reason to learn the skills that are needed to be in a relationship and to stay romantically connected.

When ADHD shows up in a relationship, the incredible, flattering hyperfocus on the relationship during dating can graduate to a complete, inattentive lack of concern for the relationship. It may seem like  marriage was the only goal, causing confusion, anger, feelings of abandonment, and everything in between. ADHD comes with behaviors and habits that can, when misunderstood, destroy affection in marriage.  

Though once labeled “minimal brain dysfunction,” the diagnosis of ADHD does not mean the person is lacking intelligence. In fact, people riddled with ADHD are often dreamers that are gifted and successful. Although they are sometimes thought of as uncaring, irresponsible, lazy, and even crazy, individuals diagnosed with ADHD may become immediately defensive upon diagnosis, feeling judged and dismissed. One of the most painful experiences cited by those with ADHD is the “lifelong experience of being chronically misunderstood.”  

Is ADHD ruining your marriage? These three relationship skills are necessary—even mandatory—in order for you and your spouse to be lovers for life and beyond:

1. Stop all blaming and finger pointing. ADHD is no one's fault, and because neither of you chose the disorder, the symptoms must be managed together. Blaming each other for problems only creates discontent. If you persist in trying to win an argument, both you and your spouse will lose the argument.

2. Empathy for each other is the only skill that is needed to be able to skip over all of the combativeness, misunderstanding, and contention. If both partners will step into each other's shoes with empathy instead of judgment, it softens negativity and creates pathways to solutions.

3. It takes two to do the tango. Both partners must be able to hone their participation skills. Don’t use “you do this and that” statements. “I thought this” and “I feel that” statements will always get more honest traction toward peace.  

The dilemma of feeling misunderstood, dismissed, and neglected in marriage due to the issue of ADHD can be resolved. Marriage can be romantic when couples embrace each other's differences and negotiate for each other rather than against each other.