Marriage to a Narcissist: Principles to Live By

There are nine traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder. Each of these traits taken alone are relatively normal human weaknesses. A few of the traits are even valuable when managed correctly. However, when you combine five or more of these nine traits, you will have a narcissistic personality. Being married to a narcissist or to someone who has five or more of these traits ingrained into their personality can be incredibly challenging—not impossible but definitely challenging.

The decision to remain in the marriage comes with an understanding that you will be managing situations with your spouse, and you will be responsible for protecting your own well-being. Because I have spent decades helping couples thrive in their marriages, I want to give you some essential tips to help you navigate the complexity of a relationship with a narcissist.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) requires the presence of at least five of the following:

1. Grandiose sense of self-importance.

2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Belief that they are “special” and unique; belief that they can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people.

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Sense of entitlement.

6. Interpersonally exploitative.

7. Lacks empathy.

8. Often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Recognize the Signs

Narcissists will exhibit behaviors in the initial stages of the relationship that are extremely endearing, performing with “big gestures” that show off their love for you. The narcissist will quite literally pull you into their world with over-the-top, exciting, wonderful “love bomb” behaviors and then not so subtly begin to demand that you show extreme gratitude by observing and commenting on how great they are. The narcissist will present with a sense of entitlement that requires unconditional adoration without question. Narcissists hold everyone accountable to rules they don’t keep. The narcissist always believes they are above the rules due to their unique nature. Finally, the spouse of a narcissist must agree with their views and beliefs. If challenged, a narcissist will manipulate, rage, cry, threaten, and escalate until they hit a boundary that is impermeable. 

If your partner's constant acting out replaces service and if your partner has a pattern of dismissing your feelings while expecting to receive special treatment, you may be married to a narcissist. Remember there must be a pattern of the above traits, not just a few occurrences when flooded during an argument. A pattern of these attitudes showing up nearly all of the time in several different settings can be diagnosable. 

Diagnosing a narcissist is not as helpful as knowing what to do when you are married to a narcissistic person. The following tools are mandatory if you are married to a narcissistic person. These tools will either generate a peaceful existence or the marriage will end in divorce because the narcissistic person cannot stay married to someone who has boundaries. 

1. Set clear boundaries. Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is crucial. Narcissists often push limits, so be clear and specific about what behaviors are unacceptable and what the consequences are if these boundaries are crossed. For example, let your partner know that criticizing and belittling are not acceptable. The consequence may be that you end the conversation or leave the room when this occurs. This shows your spouse that you are willing to have conversations and even arguments but only if they are fair discussions.

2. Seek professional help. Therapy can be very beneficial. Couples therapy can help both partners understand each other better and develop healthier communication patterns. Therapy provides a safe space for you to process emotions together and build resilience.

3. Focus on self-care. Living with a narcissist will be emotionally draining, so prioritize self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy, spend time with supportive friends and family, and take breaks when needed. Taking care of your mental and emotional health is essential.

4. Manage your expectations. Understand that narcissists often have difficulty changing their behavior. The cracks in their self-esteem leak self-worth constantly. Instead of expecting a complete transformation, focus on small, achievable goals, and celebrate progress along the pathway toward healthy change. This approach helps balance hope with realism and reduces disappointment.

5. Consider your options. Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave a marriage affected by narcissism is deeply personal. In order to keep from feeling trapped, it is healthy to consider what separation would look like and what steps you would need to take to be separated. Processing the steps to exit the relationship while seeking the benefits of staying in the relationship requires you to evaluate your happiness, safety, and long term well-being. As you evaluate your marital commitment and the needs of your family, remember that you matter and your mental well-being matters. After you carefully consider the options, choose one and be all in. The most harmful path is choosing to remain in the marriage but wishing you had not or choosing to separate but wishing you’d stayed. Be committed to a pathway and reevaluate after a determined period of time, if necessary.

Dealing with a narcissistic spouse is tough but not impossible. Self-care when married to a narcissist is about recognizing your own needs and taking deliberate steps to meet them. By focusing on emotional, physical, mental, social, and spiritual well-being, you can build resilience and maintain your health despite the challenges posed by the relationship. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it's essential for your overall mental and physical health.